Welcome to a topic I never thought I’d be a (self proclaimed & evolving) expert on; trauma, anxiety, stuck patterns and PTSD. I write this speaking purely from my heart and not a wound. I also understand there are variations of trauma and PTSD that exceed and are far more incomprehensible than mine. That said everything we process in the realm and on the spectrum is real. I share for myself and also to support you.
May I preface all of the below by saying I am not a victim. I remain a curious and humble student of how life works through us and why we are called to share and teach on what moves through us. We are energy bodies in motion and souls in fleshy bodies on a mission. We are coded for greatness – and it’s our job to live life to the fullest. Life happens through us and it is responding to us on a constant basis. I proudly own the responsibility of my own experiences and am here to support your process to reclaiming your personal power (and working through your trauma) should you have experienced any of what I’m about to share or relate to if based on your own experiences.
Reclaiming your personal power might look like this:
- Feeling safe in your body (working through, releasing & completing the trauma cycle)
- Finding your voice (connecting your mind to your Self and every relationship with the outside realm)
- Confidently owning who you be in every area of your life – to create the success you were made for and to bring all of your desires to reality from your heart.
I know what working through and releasing trauma looks like because I’ve done it (and continue doing it).
I also know what regaining your personal power looks like because I’ve achieved the above (and much more) and have also bust through:
- Debilitating anxiety, shame and unworthiness
- All types of scarcity blocks around time, resources, money
- Competition, comparison and attachment
I am whole as I am. I search for nothing outside myself to “complete” myself. I am free, worthy, loved and fabulous – and you get to be that too. I’ll see to it. That’s my mission.
Back to the topic du jour.
Trauma, and for some of us PTSD, isn’t something you’re necessarily aware of until the moment (if singular) has passed. Or, if repeated was actually traumatic. How would you know otherwise? It’s often only when we look back that we understand WTF happened and begin connecting the dots – unless we are highly aware (and trained) in the moment to recognize what’s gone on.
For background (since trauma is often linked to our childhood), I had a loving, happy, non-picturesque childhood and to pinpoint the “issue” that spilled into adulthood – it was abandonment (my parents were divorced when I was 4). Moving on to the experiences.
My first bout of trauma was when in 2001. I was raped. I forgot about this entire experience until 3 years ago. My mind blocked it out. Our minds and bodies do have the ability to do this. We are souls who have bodies and our bodies DO reach thresholds. Our body and mind is designed to unconsciously protect us and keep us alive (there’s science to this that I’m not going to get into). I have a healthy relationship with this person to this day and was never a victim to my circumstances. We rapidly worked through the experience and became friends. What was left unprocessed was how my psyche coped and manifested through my behaviour for a decade to follow. My body and conscious mind had released the experience but my subconscious held onto it giving me a host of destructive, addictive behaviour and limiting beliefs in ownership. Addiction to alcohol, spending and sex. I’ve since detoxed my life in a number of capacities and have mastered my ways of being as pertains to these once addictions, among other things.
Trauma #2 was a trauma bond I developed in a romantic relationship. A trauma bond (in a nutshell) is when you are in a loving and abusive relationship. This experience is an attachment to someone who is either (or becomes) emotionally or physically abusive and you believe these acts are a true form of love – because there are acts that are reinforcements of love that follow a cycle of (some form of) abuse; mine was emotional not physical. The subtlety of this experience began eroding as I started stepping more into my personal power and became a threat to this individual’s personal power. More on this topic another day and long story short the trauma bond I speak of is broken and this relationship is healed as per each individual doing their own Work.
Trauma #3. I don’t know if this is technically a trauma although it did live in my body and I have had to process it. It was the sudden death of my mother in 2015. She lived half her life with a kidney condition but up until the end she was living life and she was fine (within the context of living with a condition). Her quality of life was deteriorating but what took her down was an infection when she went into the hospital for a checkup. I just landed in Italy after a 36 hour flight to learn she was on life support, only to have her pass less than 48 hours later. I didn’t make it home in time (she made sure of that) and that trip back to Canada (solo) was one for the books.
PTSD (trauma #4) is the one that’s really prompted all of this because that experience and it’s profound ripple effect – that I can both very much quantify and also state is completely unquantifiable – have been the icing on the cake in changing my life. Long story short I was in a vehicle accident and walked away without a scratch on my physical body. I had phantom pain for months that moved around my body (even unexplainable bruises) but I never connected the dots that this was trauma living inside of my body – let alone persisting PTSD and later I would find out, long post concussion symptoms. In hindsight it’s clear. In the moment I was unaware.
I was aware of what was going on with my mind but I didn’t get the connection with my body nor did I realize I was living with PTSD until it was triggered through a phone call 10 months later. A feeling surged through my body and I called a friend because I knew they would know how I feel. This person has PTSD from being in the army. The day after my accident I went to the place where my vehicle was towed to get my computer out of the vehicle. The lady said, “who was in there? Are they okay?” I responded, “it was me.” She responded, “I can’t believe you’re alive”. The vehicle was 80% written off. I was tired (awake since 4am that day which is normal for me) and was texting in the middle of a non-busy street while driving and playing with my stereo. The ripple effects to follow all of this included loss of income, fractured relationships, paranoia, loss of self, isolation, and a host of additional affects better shared in video as words don’t describe. There is a sub-traumas layered into this one although this isn’t about shining light on other parties.
Trauma #5 living in the middle of a natural disaster. Welcome to living in a fire zone in Los Angeles. This wasn’t the aftermath of a hurricane by any means but fire is scary AF when it’s so close you can touch it and smoke is so thick you can’t breathe. Pacific Palisades (among many other areas) was on fire last October for basically the whole month off and on. I lived on the beach in an area that backed a hill that was perpetually on fire (I have photos). Evacuation notices and amber alerts were wrought across our phones to keep us informed and aware. Sleep? Not really. Evacuate? No big deal if you can drive and have a vehicle which I did not. I did get my driver’s license back the second week of October although still didn’t have a vehicle at that time. Uber wasn’t exactly coming to the rescue to pick up rider’s during an evacuation either ~ and even if they wanted to the roads were blocked off and they couldn’t get near where I lived to pick me up anyway. Long story short, post moving north my existence was in shock and I knew my body was hanging on to trauma from that experience. I could barely talk.
Fast forward to today because silver linings do exist
Throughout all of my experiences I woke up committed daily (and still do, it’s a lifelong practise and way of being) to moving forward and working through trauma/PTSD that was (and is) living inside of me AND I’ve created some greatness all the while.
To note: I have not and do not use prescription medication. I’ve also not been to a therapist since 2014. Everyone’s choices are their own and I really should have gone to see a Dr or therapist post car accident but it didn’t even phase me I should be doing those things! I forget they were options. Instead, I’ve come up with my own modalities of healing that have proved hella effective to give me some notable results. I won’t share all though these are the highlights:
- I feel safe in my body, have found my voice again, and am comfortable & confident being self-expressed. There’s no coincidence I evaporated from social media in 2018 & 2019 up until March of this year (2020). I literally lost my voice.
- I love myself completely and I trust myself completely. I re-gained my intuition; intuition can become blocked when you have trauma stuck in your body. There’s science to back this although I trust my body above all facts.
- I co-founded and brought to market (from scratch) a consumer product; organic dog shampoo. The Sephora of the pet world is one of our partners in distribution, Chewy.com, which is a big accomplishment. I never used to be able to recognize my accomplishments because I always focused on “what else” I could have done (better/more). I’m proud to have achieved this creation & result during my lowest of low point in life with the least amount of monetary resources I’ve ever had access to. PTSD definitely cripples earning power when you’re paranoid, unsafe in body, speechless and scattered in mind until you learn to work through it and can focus.
- My relationships are healthy ones at this point…familial, friend, romantic, all of them. And the healthiest of all is my relationship with my SELF and God, of course. Source.
- I managed to be me throughout the past 2.5 years and still travel and do some of the things that make me “me” while processing the toughest experiences of my life…all in the name of life moving through me as an energy body here to serve, with a purpose. WTF! Glad I’m here in this body and state of mind today on the other side.
- My consulting business is mainly to rest. My coaching business is alive and well, and I am creating with purpose from my soul in a way that serves me and all those I am in connection with in service – and surrounding.
If you take anything from this know that there’s so much light and hope and possibility beyond whatever you might still be going through. I promise you and I don’t make promises lightly.
Remember ~ everything you want it already yours.
You’re already perfect. There’s nothing you have to be “more” or less of. You aren’t broken and there is nothing wrong with you. You didn’t do anything to “deserve” what you have gone through or are going through. And, you are loved.
Trauma is a catch and release process to complete (these are my words). It doesn’t define you. It’s not you. You’re you and you’re full of gifts and greatness.
It’s your mission to experience you – all of you, every bit. If you are reading this I may not know you but I will say that I love you and I am here for you.
Leave a Reply